Saturday, December 10, 2005

Morning folks. Today's chortles and guffaws are provided by 2 regular contributor/friends and a welcome new one who will start us off. Take it away WINTHROP J QUIGGY....

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered an out-of-town visitor. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, the visitor left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, the curious out-of-towner asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at the visitor, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" He assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. The shop clerk jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the visitor's face she said "See, it says right here, the three wise man came from a-far."

BIG DAVE....

Joe, as a small-town bully, liked to have a few drinks at a local bar, then intimidate the patrons. So per his custom, he downed a few shots one night, then walked up to a man at the bar. "Who is the meanest, toughest man in these parts?" he demanded to know. The man responded, "You are, Joe." So Joe repeated his question to different men around the bar, getting the same response each time.

Finally, Joe approached a trucker that was passing through. "Who is the meanest, toughest man in these parts?" he asked. Without saying a word, the trucker picked Joe up and hurled him across the room. Then he smashed a chair over the bully's head before depositing him in the garbage. Joe got up, dusted himself off, then said to the truck driver, "Gee mister. If you didn't know the answer, why didn't you just say so."

And last, but not least, JUDE....

***How To Shower Like a Woman***

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
laundry hamper according to lights and darks

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -
make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint
conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.

***How To Shower Like a Man***

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at
her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your
butt.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
rinse them off.


Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the
shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at
her and make the woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh
at the truth behind this, there is something so very
wrong with you.

**** WOO WOO ****

Trucker Bob blogged at 3:33 AM

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