In the Driver's Seat
Musing, Nattering, and Time Wasting by a Reluctantly Retired Long-Haul Trucker
Saturday, April 29, 2006
DIRTY SPOON
This guy is eating at an exclusive eatery when the waiter comes up to his table and asks if everything is okay. The man replies "Yes," but during the conversation drops his spoon on the floor. The waiter immediately pulls a spoon out of his shirt pocket. The man asks, "Why do you carry a spoon in your pocket?"
The waiter states that the place is so busy all the time that the employees need to save time any way they can so they did a survey and the most dropped eating utensil was the spoon, so now all the waiters carry spoons so they don't have to go to the kitchen and get one. The man thinks that is great.
Later on the waiter again stops by to see if everything was OK. This time the man notices a string sticking out of the waiters zipper. He asks what that was for, and the waiter says, "When we go to the bathroom, we just grab the string and pull "it" out. That way we don't have to wash our hands, thus saving us time.
"Interesting," says the man, "but how do you put "it" back in your pants when you're done?"
The waiter says, "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use the spoon."
SCREW
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to please repeat himself.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out of the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"
Trucker Bob
blogged at 3:24 AM
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Thursday, April 27, 2006
Morning folks. I'm playing hooky from the walking today because it's raining, and my legs are sore. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. So, guess what?, natter time!
I've pretty well got my itinerary set for the trip that will end in Newfoundland. On this map you will see that when I arrive in North Sydney, Nova Scotia, I will be taking a ferry (Marine Atlantic) to the island. On the way east I'll take the dotted line to Argentia (14 hrs), tour the island, including of course Cape Spear, then come back to the mainland from Port Aux Basques (6 hrs).
Although I have travelled all my life through my career as a trucker, I've got to admit I'm really looking forward to this trip. I plan on visiting the places I lived as a small boy, including the schools if they are still standing. Hopefully some of the kids I grew up with are still around.
The Good Lord willing, and the harness holds, it will take me about a month to get to Argentia, then an equal amount of time to get back home. I've tried to plan it so that I'm not doubling back on the same roads too much, but there will be some that is unavoidable.
For those who might be geographically-challenged, here is an overview of of the entire trip. I'll be starting in the extreme bottom left of the country where the US border and the water meet, then across to the easternmost piece of land in North America.
After putting up with Timmy as long as I have, and still am, it's great that I was able to dig down and find the will to do what is necessary to get as fit as I can, because the reward, this trip, will be worth it. Hope you don't mind the nattering, but damn I'm looking forward to this!
Update: I was just asked about the relative size of Newfoundland.
It is slightly larger than Montana. 156,185 sq mi to 145,388.
Update # 2..Friday morning.
Sorry for the confusion, but the dotted line on the second map is the border. Other than crossing , I won't be anywhere near it. I would love to be able to lay my route out, but the truth is that I don't know how. Damn it!
Trucker Bob
blogged at 6:50 AM
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Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Morning folks. At the risk of boring everyone out of their gourd with the incessant nattering about my "get-fit" regimen I just have to pass this along because, damnit, I'm proud of what I've accomplished on sheer determination.
When I started out I set what I thought was an awfully ambitious goal of getting my weight down from 262 lbs to 220 before I left on the trip, figuring if I aimed high it would keep me at it. Well, as of this morning, I only have 6 lbs to go!!!!
So now I have a new 2-part goal. First, to lose my age (67) in lbs. That would bring me down to 195. Second, and the hardest part, will be to stay at that figure. I won't be able to accomplish that before I leave (June 9) but I'm going to try for 210.
It's just as well that I'm a bachelor because I'm so damned hungry that I'm afraid I'd practice cannibalism if I got near warm flesh. Although I'm eating enough nutrition to continue on this quest, obviously, it's still hard to break old habits. After a life-time of eating whatever, with no thought about consequences, this is hard work.
They say that the longer you work for something, the more you'll enjoy it when you attain it. I'm going to test that theory out when I hit the East Coast this summer. I'm going to find the biggest lobster I can, drown it in butter, and wash it down with lots of Guinness Stout. Come on summer!!!
Hope all is well with you guys, and also hope you forgive me for what might seem like bragging, but is really just me feeling good about how I'm doing.
Oh, if you're wondering what the heck I'm doing posting at this time of the day, it's because I pound myself so hard I'm in bed by 7 pm usually. Alone, damnit!
Trucker Bob
blogged at 2:40 AM
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Sunday, April 23, 2006
Morning folks. While L'il Bear was resting up for his nap I thouht I'd go out and check on the ladies in the park. They all seemed to be in fine "feather" this morning, although I could hear them snickering, here comes Ol' Gimpy again. I got your Gimpy right here!!
It's a tough life out here on the coast, but I'm willing to live it. (Insert monster smiley here!)Enjoy the rest of your week-end.
Trucker Bob
blogged at 8:23 AM
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Saturday, April 22, 2006
MOOSE HUNTING
Two guys went moose hunting every year without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest. They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, the bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him".
After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?".
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better start to "brace" yourself!"
THREE MEN
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One seventy-five year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."
GRANDFATHER
The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"
One seventy-five year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."
GRANDFATHER
The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"
Trucker Bob
blogged at 4:10 AM
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Friday, April 21, 2006
Morning folks. Well, since I can't chase the ladies around the duck ponds this morning it looks like you'll have to put up with me for a while. Actually my leg is a lot better today, thanks in part to keeping an ice-pack on it yesterday, and just staying off it. I'll go out later for a walk, but this time do it like a human, not a gazelle. I don't know why I have to overdo everything.
It's far too early to get concerned, but I'm watching CNN talk about so-called gas shortages in parts of the US, not to mention the prices. It seems that there is lots of oil and gas but they are having trouble getting it to the stations. YEAH RIGHT! I'm going on my trip regardless, but it's looking like an interesting, and hard, time ahead for people that have to use their cars for work etc. Good luck expecting any help from Preznint Resolvitude, he's too busy decidering.
Speaking of The Missing Link, what a slap-down the President of China gave him by making the White House the second stop on his state visit. While I'm not a big fan of Bill Gates et al, it shows where the real power lies. Of course holding $800 billion of US debt allows one to set the schedule.
Okay, off the soap-box. How have you all been doing? I do get around to visit a few of you, and I see that the usual miscreants are up to their shenanigans. Right on! As I'm sure most of you know better than I, it's good to step back once in a while and get a fresh perspective on this whole blog thingy. Being laid up so long with Timmy it was such a welcome, and therapeutic, diversion but was becoming too consuming. Still in all, it is a wonderful way to meet new "friends", especially the ones I've met here.
Finally, the Inspirational Message of the day:
Trucker Bob
blogged at 4:10 AM
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Thursday, April 20, 2006
Morning folks. Although I said yesterday I'd see you on Saturday with a chuckle or two, because I'm going to take a break this morning from the @#$% power-walking, I wanted to ask you your opinion on something.
I've set up this site to keep a running log of my trip, complete with pictures. I'm just now learning my way around it and would appreciate your thoughts. I've yet to buy a laptop, so any recommendations in that regard would be welcome. Wireless?
I've made the first post on that site, so how about checking it out and leave a comment, good, bad, or otherwise. Thanks in advance!
Finally, this Public Service Announcement:
Update..8:30 am. Should have stayed with taking a break today. I just finished dragging my right leg home, the hamstring is hooped. Dumb***!
Trucker Bob
blogged at 5:35 AM
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Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Howdy Folks. It's time again to check in and let you know that all is still going well on the "get healthy" regimen. The pounds are still coming off, albeit a little slower, but I think it's a case of some of my relaxed "muscle" becoming the real type again.
The knees seem to have survived the pounding I gave them jogging, and the only small thing bugging me right now is the ham-string on my right leg. I think it's due to my own stupidity for not doing some stretching exercises before, and after, my walks. I'll get the hang of this stuff yet.
I've finally decided on a destination for my trip. Since I am on the West Coast of North America, I wanted to find the easternmost point. Cape Spear, Newfoundland, is the spot. With the odd little side trip, it is approx. 5000 miles, one-way.
What I am still unsure of, is how to get there. So as to prevent travelling the same road twice I thought about going east through the US and back across Canada. However, with Chimperor Disgustus sabre-rattling at Iran, I'm concerned about another "turrist" incident closing the borders. It's a shame really because although I am Canadian, I spent so many years trucking around the US that I almost feel like it's home. But these are uncertain times and discretion might be the better part of valor.
With the rising price of fuel ($5.22/gal here today) it seems the decision not to buy a motor-home was the right one to make. By the time I leave, first week of June, I'm sure it will be over $6 here and over $3 in the US, plus exchange, for the smaller gallon. Imagine paying that for gas and getting 8 miles to the gallon in an RV. So I'll be going by car and am in the process of planning the trip with Best Western Motels. Should be fun.
Well, that should be enough nattering for now. Hope you are all doing well, and I'll see you Saturday with a chuckle or two. Take care of yourselves.
Trucker Bob
blogged at 9:14 AM
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Friday, April 14, 2006
Trucker Bob
blogged at 6:53 AM
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Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Morning folks. While waiting for daybreak, I thought it time to check in and let you know that all is still going well here. I'm still on the walking, exercising, and proper eating regimen but have had to cut back a bit on the walking, due to my own stupidity. When I told my son how proud I was of being able to jog a bit he warned me to be careful, but would I listen?....nooooo! Well I'm paying the price now. My poor old knees said that's enough of that pounding so I'm back to walking only, albeit slowly. A couple of weeks should clear up that foolishness.
I took this shot of the magnolia trees off my balcony just now. I've got some of the full trees, but thought this one of the morning dew on the blossoms was pretty enough to post. ( Right click, then Open Link ) Agree?
Hope all is well with you guys. See you all later.
Trucker Bob
blogged at 5:24 AM
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Saturday, April 08, 2006
OLD ROOSTER
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit, third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of the story...
Don't mess with us old folks. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Trucker Bob
blogged at 4:25 AM
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Wednesday, April 05, 2006
The sun finally showed up here today, so I thought I'd share some pictures of one of the areas where I do my walking. This is the street behind my place that I take to the park.
This is just a very small part of the park that has two very big duck ponds. Once the sun starts coming up earlier I'll get some pictures of the ducks and geese.
At the risk of overkill, I just have to show you these cherry blossoms. Be still my heart.
Trucker Bob
blogged at 11:40 AM
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Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Howdy folks. Just popped in to say Hi and let you know that all is well with me. Things have been going so well that Timmy is no longer a factor in my life. Oh, he's still there but I've got him on ignore, hopefully permanently. I'm learning that once you make the decision to take charge of your own health the rest falls into place.
It was'nt easy at first, but what in life is? I'd often heard the expression"runner's high", and while I'm certainly not a runner, the feeling I get when I'm on my walks makes me understand what it means. I'm even doing a little jogging, which blows my mind, because it was'nt that long ago I could'nt walk around the block.
I've been reading about how many calories are burnt doing different types of exercises and have found that simple things like breathing etc. burn off calories. This brings me to a little request, any of you heifers out there want to help me with a little heavy breathing? What? you did'nt expect me to be so serious that we could'nt have a little chuckle did you?
Hope all is well in your worlds. Probably see you Saturday if I can find some funnies.
Trucker Bob
blogged at 5:42 PM
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Sunday, April 02, 2006
Morning folks. L'il Bear told me that if I don't check in he's going to run off and leave me. Of course, right after he told me that he went back to sleep so I think I'm safe for a while. I apologize for being awfully spotty with the posts but I'm determined to continue with what I'm doing.
Things are going well, considering I've gone from Krispy Kremes to rice cakes, but seriously I'm really being careful with what I eat or more exactly what I don't eat. It's amazing how the bad eating habits can get out of hand. I realized that with the number of heifers in my "stable" I simply had to shape up or one day I'd find a different mule in my stall. (Oh, give it a rest!)
The exercising is also going well. I'm out at daybreak for the first of my 3, 1 1/2-hour walks. Each day gets a little easier, which is good because, damn, it was hard at first. Between the walks I hit the weights, sit-ups etc. It's working because so far I've taken 24 lbs and 4 inches off. My waist, you pervs, my waist!
Besides the house-cleaning (another thing to give a rest, sheesh!) I'm also throwing out things left and right. I've never thought of myself as a pack-rat but I could'nt believe the stuff I've collected over the years. I called Big Brothers and they were glad to come and pick up 4 boxes of clothing, kitchen ware, etc. I also donated 150 pocket books to the Lions Club for their next sale. Anyone want 129 caps? Each one I've worn and comes with a story.
I've pretty well decided not to buy an RV. I can get a lot of motel rooms for $75,000, plus gas hit $5.04 a gallon here today (110.9/liter) and we've been warned it's going higher. Although my car gets great mileage I might end up with something like this if it does'nt stop.
Hope I have'nt bored you all, but wanted you to know that all is well here. The good Lord willing, and the harness holds, I'm going to stay at this until the first week of June, then it's YEEHAW! time.
Take care of yourselves and remember, just because I'm not on here much, does'nt mean I don't think of you guys.
Trucker Bob
blogged at 5:31 PM
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