Saturday, September 09, 2006
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.
12 Year Old Scotch
A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch. He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"
The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc.
At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out. "This is piss!" he yells. The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?
Signs Of Age
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eye is the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, but you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning
You join a health club but don't go.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
Your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
25 Years Ago Today", is your favorite part of the newspaper.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You sweat just putting on your socks.
You wonder why you're still carrying a comb in your back pocket.
You start counting your change and using coupons at the supermarket.
You talk to your plants and they won't listen.
Relatives start asking you what you'll be leaving them.
Personal hygiene is no longer that important.
You've stopped worrying about your receding hairline.
People start saying you look like Ernest Hemingway.
You actually want to vote.
Birthdays no longer matter.
You forgot why you're reading this.
Trucker Bob blogged at 5:09 AM