Saturday, November 10, 2007
THE HORTH WITHPERER
Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. Sam asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse." A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit."
A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does.
Three senior ladies named Patsy, Betty, and Thelma were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park.The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Both Betty and Thelma had a stroke. But Patsy, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far. Bless her heart.
A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is no ta single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you, and get everyone in the county to buy a case; we'll make you rich.”
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard and drawn, but not one bite on him.
The farmer was perplexed. "Son." he said,, Now you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"
The salesman looked at him through bloodshot eyes and asked with a weak croaking voice "Doesn't that calf have a mother?"
Two farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to Community College and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?""Yeah.""Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." “That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.""Yes, I do have a house.""And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.""Yes, I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you're likely a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?""No."
"Then you're a queer."
Trucker Bob blogged at 2:54 AM